Resolution of
Long-standing Family Conflicts

by Susan Castner

This area of conflict resolution may initially bring up images of the Hatfields and the McCoys. Actually, this analogy may not be too far off target. Many family disputes are probably so deeply ingrained or so egregious that they may appear to be unresolvable. Many family conflicts are left unresolved because the individuals do not have the tools to navigate the rough waters of communication successfully.

Situations such as sibling rivalry and parent-child conflicts can be resolved through mediation. An example of a parent-child conflict is described below.

Christopher was 16 years old and had never met his father. His father disappeared when Christopher was about six months old. Christopher's father was Asian and could not marry anyone of a different culture without greatly disappointing his family and losing their love and respect. Christopher's father, Hoan, was an important businessman in his community. Even though Christopher's father fell in love with Christopher's mother, he could not marry her without great disapproval from his beloved family. So Hoan left Christopher and denied to himself and Christopher's mother that Christopher was his son.

Christopher grew up. In high school he became very popular. Charming and charismatic, his teachers and friends loved and admired him. He was always winning one kind of award or another. Christopher was in the French club; he was a drama student capturing the leading part in many plays. He was a well-rounded and hard-working young man. Everything was going well in his life. Except for one thing.

Christopher had always felt uncomfortable about his family. His mother was very fair, with red hair. Christopher did not look anything like her. He had a darker complexion and black hair. The older he got, the more out of place he felt. He wanted to know his father and learn more about his father's culture.

Over the years, Hoan had married and produced several children. No one in his world knew about Christopher. Hoan feared that he would lose his family and his prestige, if his secret was told. Nevertheless, when Christopher came to see me he was intent on meeting his father. We discussed legal options such a paternity (which had never been established), but decided that pursuing a paternity action would not be fortuitous at this time. Christopher agreed that discreet communication between Hoan and myself would be the best option to pursue.

I sent a personalized leter (through Hoan's attorney) describing many things about Christopher that Hoan did not know. Finally, after all these years, Christopher's father changed his mind. At last he wanted to meet his son. Several weeks later, Christopher and Hoan met for the first time since Christopher was an infant. Hoan realized how much of his son's life he had missed. It was a very emotional reunion! It was also the beginning of a long and enduring father-son relationship.

A mediator can often bring together family members who have been estranged for many years. If you have a long-standing family conflict that you want to resolve, contact me at (219) 874-7450.

More Mediation Information

Divorce Mediation
Guardianship Mediation
Communication Skills and Mediation Training
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© 2003 Copyright Susan Costner, J.D.

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